don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I will pee on everything he values.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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