the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
do herpes really smell.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
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