I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
