What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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