Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
