Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize