There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
