ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
