She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
