So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Randomize
