I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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