I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
