i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
