You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
