my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
