if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
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