i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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