break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
