I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
