Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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