I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You're so nebulous sometimes
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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