don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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