OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
