I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
