If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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