If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
