Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
