I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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