You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
i believe in u and ur pee
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
