Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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