On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
