I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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