every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize