I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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