I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just cut my nipple shaving
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
