you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Is it penis luge time yet?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
