reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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