I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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