i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
