I puked a lego.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize