My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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