How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
