it's too hot outside to masturbate.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
