no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
