I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
