Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
