Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
