This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
