I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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