i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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