i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Operation Purity has been aborted
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
