I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
