I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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