I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I smell like Dick and happiness
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
