I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
