why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
COCAINE IS GR8
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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