I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
